What Teaching Taught Me About Raising Children

Actually, being a high school teacher for almost a decade taught me how NOT to raise my children.

Baby J is now 6 months old. Everyone told me (still tells me daily) how quickly the time would pass but WOW! There is no way to adequately prepare for just how fast it goes. That being said, I've found myself wondering what kind of person J will become; what kind of person would I like her to be? What should I be doing to get her to that place? 

I guess it's no coincidence that these thoughts come as I find myself swamped with college recommendation letters. Although I am no longer teaching, my inbox has been inundated with high school seniors (most I had as juniors, some I taught as freshmen, and some that I taught in both ninth and eleventh grade) asking me to write their letters. For the most part, those who have asked are amazing kids whose parents should be proud of them. I am all too happy to write glowing letters of recommendation for them. 

And then, there are some who email me saying, "my guidance counselor says I need one math and one English teacher so can you write mine since I had you in ninth and eleventh grade?" If I were still employed, I'd probably have to say yes to all requests in order to spare myself the oh-so-pleasant phone calls from irate parents who can't possibly understand how someone could not love their child as much as they do. Luckily for me, I no longer work there so they can't call me. And I can say no. 

This is where I start to really think. Aside from the fact that they're time consuming, why wouldn't I want to write a letter of recommendation for a child trying to get into college?

What if, one day, someone cringes at the thought of writing a letter for Baby J? How can I, as her mother, prevent that from ever happening? As far as I'm concerned, I can keep in mind the following list of things I've learned from being a high school teacher:

1. My daughter is NOT perfect (even though she literally is). 

See? No matter how perfect I think she is, she will not come off that way to everyone. She will forget to do her homework, and maybe even lie about it - twice! Once to tell me that she didn't have any homework to complete and again to her teacher saying that the new puppy chewed it up - and then try to cover up her lie. 

She will curse when she thinks no one important is near enough to hear her. She will try to push boundaries and break rules in hopes of getting away with it. 

In short, she will mess up because she's human. As her parent, it is my responsibility to hold her accountable for her actions. I will not be doing her any favors by calling her teacher and screaming like a banshee about how it's his/her fault that J did not complete her assignments (yes, this has happened to me on more than one occasion). 

2. My actions are a reflection on Baby J. 

Refusing to acknowledge that my child will do wrong; calling and screaming at her teachers because J hasn't been doing her homework; shifting the blame from J to someone anyone else, WILL affect the way people perceive her. 

Countless parents have gone straight to the school psychologist, guidance counselors or coaches to have their child switched out of a class because "the teacher just doesn't like him/her".

To those parents, I'm sorry (#sorrynotsorry) that I didn't mark your child as present when he/she was cutting class and they ended up with detention. Attendance is a legal issue so no, I was not willing to put my career on the line so your kid could sneak off campus and head to Starbucks. 

Once, a group of girls showed me some tweets another student had posted. They were mean, awful, and hurtful tweets directed at another student. I spoke privately to the offender about the power of words and bullying on social media. There was no yelling and there were no punishments doled out by me. Still, this girl started crying and left my classroom.

Within the hour her mother called me. Her mother was not at all concerned about the fact that her daughter was slandering others on social media, but rather who was it who "ratted her out". Seriously? This is how these kids are being raised. And it's disturbing. 

3. Helicopter parenting is just....so.....ridiculous. 

As a parent, I feel that it is my responsibility to raise a child who is responsible and accountable. 

I once had a parent ask that I post a picture of the homework board on the parent portal so that she could see exactly what her son sees and ensure that he completes everything. 

Another parent asked to be notified each time her daughter was late to class.

One mom left work and drove almost two hours because her husband forgot to double-space the kid's research paper - why, exactly, was your husband responsible for this? - and she needed to drop off the corrected version so that her college bound daughter did not lose ten points for spacing. 

Fun stories, right? There are a million more like them. And it's not just me - I've watched too many of my colleagues deal with the same nonsense. For so many of today's kids (especially the privileged), there is zero accountability.

I just don't want to ever be that parent. Because no matter how parents may justify their actions (I have to be my child's advocate and blah blah blah) they will be a reflection on their children. And those are the kids for whom I can't be bothered writing a letter.